UNBALANCING

Blessed are those who take stock of everything at the end of the year.
I figure them sitting with pen and paper, flagging things done and not done, and making their late considerations and evaluations.
Blessed they are since there is an order and a sense in their things. And they draft a balance.
But in my things there is no order, no sense. And I create unbalancing.
Because I put too much on things I do to stay balanced: too much heart, or too much character, or too much certainty, or too much enthusiasm, or too much disillusion. In any case too much, and excess unbalances, overloads, misaligns and, sometimes, overturns.
If I have to look back at the year that has just ended, I will remember only a lot, such a lot of emotions.
Not always beautiful, quite the contrary. But still emotions: those you feel in your throat, in your eyes sparkling, those that upset your stomach and make your lungs let in deep breath.
And it doesn’t mind if it was love, pain, happiness or anxiety: I was alive, my breath told me it when it stopped and then it restarted heavily or when, after waking up, I had a well-defined thought, when that music started, when I smelled that scent.
Emerged from an hibernation that I thought was life by then, but it was not.
So, how can good and bad be compared? How can thumbs-up and thumbs-down be decided?
How is it possible to make a unique consideration of a 365-variable-day path?
I cannot do it, I can’t have a balance, I create unbalancing.
I count on doing it again and again in my life, I count on being not able to arrange things, on not containing myself, on living my way, because there is nothing bigger than my confusion and than the energy I put in things in which I believe also when I know it’s crap, it’s not going to work, and the unique gesture I think is due to ourselves is giving ourselves this possibility.
If you cannot think about this possibility, I guess how you can give it to yourself.
Hibernation is comfortable, but life is a different thing.
The most beautiful things have no sense: they’re standing because there is something strong and not because there is something right.
So, dear balance, I’m unbalancing you.